"Behind every successful man, there is an untold pain in his heart." ---BILL JACOBS

Pink and Purple Skies

November 9, 2018 6 comments

I have decided to talk less and focus on improving my craft these past few days. Whenever I had the urge to reach out to a friend and bug them about what has been going around in my head, I decided to pick up either the guitar or the brushes to sing or paint.

It feels to me like I have reached a plateau in my painting progress because I don’t see any improvement from my point of view. But maybe, I am paying very little attention to practice as well. Either way, it does the job of clearing my thoughts for me and I’m happy about it so I’ll share it here. The light from taking the photo seems to have washed away a little of the actual colors on the images below but I hope this gives a general idea of entire picture; I used acrylic as a medium. This is going to be given as a gift to a colleague at work as a birthday gift.

While at it, let me also share a video clip of the fun I had while playing the guitar. 😄

 

Cheers to all our small wins and efforts to conquering this enigma called life. ♥

Advertisements

Escape Plan

November 4, 2018 1 comment

Tears streamed down her face
she wishes out, for good
ignored, unneeded,
she wanted out of this race.

She kept quiet, neutral facade
her mind silently plotting the next step
how can she escape
this hole that made her colors fade?

Where to go? her mind asks
yet she’s afraid of the unknown
didn’t want to abandon responsibilities
was she the one who owned all these tasks?

Days come without notice, months, years
it’s closing in on her
in horror she watches, paralyzed
nothing there but the coldness and her warm tears.

Neglected

October 30, 2018 7 comments

I stopped blogging for a while because I thought that I could just rely on the people around me to hear out my thoughts. It feels good speaking to people and allowing myself to be vulnerable face to face, the responses and questions are given real-time, and I could clarify myself if I feel misunderstood. But boy did I miss this. Just typing in, letting my mind flow freely, allowing my thoughts to simply be put into words that I can take a look at. It feels like I am able to put in something abstract to one thing that I can stare at from a different perspective.

My mind has been boggling me recently about my relationships with people around me. I remember the times over six years or so ago when I did not feel the need to talk to anyone at all. I was happy with simply jotting down my thoughts and ideas on any paper that I can find. Sure, I was sometimes sad, but self-sufficient.

Today is different. It feels like the people surrounding me knows a little too much about me. My deepest thoughts, hesitations, fears, and even my realizations and dreams? Is that a bad thing? I cannot tell for sure. All I know is that I have these thoughts of wanting to clam up again. I want more moments with myself. Sure enough, I still have that one person that I always run to during my darkest moments but recently and thankfully enough I don’t have those dark thoughts, and it feels like a chore for me trying to find ways to be in constant communication just so I can help keep the friendship going. Believe me, I love this friendship but sometimes, it feels to me like maintaining adult friendships are hard. I’m grateful that we have shared interests with learning though and that is more than enough reason for me to keep working on this. I just feel a little tired, I guess.

I have this fear of exposing too  much of my personal thoughts and struggles to my subordinates too. Can a leader be vulnerable in front of her team?

I love writing. There is no denying that. My journal is still filled with thoughts I haven’t posted here in an attempt to manage my time with my insane schedule at work and personal studies and traveling. Maybe I ought to schedule a regular interval for writing again. I shouldn’t neglect the benefits of doing this, should I?

Categories: Lifestyle Tags: , , ,

I Can’t Speak Up

October 18, 2018 5 comments

As I watched your back while struggling to keep up with your walking pace, I wondered to myself, do I always have to keep running after you for the rest of my life? Will I always have to be the one to make adjustments just to catch up with you all the time? But oh, I kept quiet. And when you looked back at me with an irritated face as if to tell me how slow I was, I asked you why you keep walking and where are we headed, not really telling you what I really wanted to say, that I need you to slow down a little, for me. Why? I was afraid. I was so scared to rock the boat and be left alone. I did not feel worthy of consideration. I felt like treading on eggshells.

When I tried to ask you about your day and attempted to start a conversation, you barely glanced at me, your focus on the PC almost unbreakable. I kept quiet instead, feeling hurt. But I chose not to communicate what I really felt as the resentment welled up inside my heart. Will I be spending the rest of my life waiting for you to initiate deeper conversations with me? Oh, if you only knew how much I value deep conversations. But I didn’t say a word. I gave in to what I thought you preferred. Why? Because I am too scared that it may upset you and I don’t feel deserving to say what I really want.

But do I have to live this way for the rest of my life? I hope not.

So in desperation, I went back to the resources I found, knowing that this is the Codependency talking again.

I think I really need professional help.

As the days come closer to the date that we have chosen to tie the knot, I feel more and more unsure. Then again, I refuse to communicate. How can it be that I feel so much need to speak my mind to you yet still feel even more terrified to speak up? And why is it that I have so much walls surrounding me that most people cannot get past through for me to care enough yet I feel so vulnerable to you and with one other person I emotionally depend on?

I feel that this is all my fault so I refuse to speak up. I have tolerated so much, bent over backwards to make you happy so many times to put you both up on a pedestal, only to find myself struggling to reach out to you and tell you how I really feel and think? This is all on me. But how do I stop clamming up and speaking up instead?

God, I need help.

Checking In

September 30, 2018 8 comments

It feels to me like it has been a while since I published anything on this blog. I celebrated my 33rd birthday almost a week ago and I was so engrossed mapping out plans for the future and breaking it down to small habits that I was not able to pay attention to most of my usual activities.

I’ve had ranges of emotions come to me in a span of a week – joy for the surprise birthday celebration that my team and my previous team prepared for me; pangs of jealousy for something that I wouldn’t dare mention the details because I was amazed at how easily I accepted the fact that some things are just the way it is, and people move on; comfort and happiness for knowing that I was able to gain a deeper mutual sense of friendship with a person whom I have always considered special to me; inspired for knowing that this is a person that I can count on for higher levels of work ethics to be able to reach my goals; love and excitement while preparing and obtaining the documents my fiance and I needed to get things official soon; and lots and lots of gratitude for the week-long rest and moment for me to recharge my body and mind and focus only on myself and how I would like to be in the following days ahead. The best thing about it was the fact that I knew exactly how to steer my mind back to what I think is a healthier thought when the dark voices start clouding my head. Meditation does help, and swimming too.

I love how my journal seemed to have almost filled up with spreads that I am way too excited to use in the coming weeks, and how I was able to put in the details that I think will be useful in achieving my goals. The best thing about it is how I have come to realize that the process is what makes me giddy and excited to push forward. It feels like I have been given new eyes to see life differently and live better. I couldn’t wait to check off my lists soon; to think that I would have killed myself same time last year, what a waste it would have been. It pleases me to know how malleable the brain can be and how we can control our reality by changing the way we see things. It takes consistent practice and effort but it can be done.

Tell Me

September 17, 2018 1 comment

Shut your eyes and slowly count to ten
The last time you felt the smile you gave was when?
The laughter you had that really meant none
Tell  me when the meaning has all gone.

Hold your chest and feel the beat
Steady warmth of your pulses, can you feel it?
The cold beneath the warm facade of your skin
Tell me when you lost the life within.

Empty meaning behind your words that echo
You say you’re fine, but your eyes show it’s a no
You walk and pretend that all is good and well
Tell me, when are you going to ask help out of that hell?

Woe

September 15, 2018 2 comments
Tips of my fingers running through
My skin, and then it feels my veins
The surges of the red filled with woe
Carrying my silent empty pain.
Laden beating of steady pulses goes
The air, in and out of my lungs
Warm smiles, hiding what my head only knows
Bearing quiet ache’s deeply buried pangs.
Rhythmic pounding of my heart that screams
Metal glistens gleefully, thirsting to cut open
What is to life but broken, sad dreams
Muted suffering only known by my pen.
Categories: Poetry Tags: , , ,
%d bloggers like this: